Several Melbourne hospitals are tonight struggling to cope with an influx of emergency patients suffering radiation poisoning.
All the patients were in the audience at the Sex and City 2 premiere at South Yarra’s Jam Factory Gold Class Cinema.
After a thorough investigation, the emergency services in attendance could not find the source of the radiation.
“We believe that the audience developed radiation poisoning in response to exposure to the film,” suggested an ambulance officer on the scene. “At this point, it appears to have been a bizarre form of self-defence, designed to force the person to leave the cinema before they suffered irreparable mental damage from further exposure to the vacuous plot, geriatric stars and Sarah Jessica Parker’s hideously elongated horse face.”
Staff at several hospitals have been diagnosing and treating the incoming patients since 6pm.
“It really is a remarkable occurence, and possibly the only time in recorded history this has happened,” claimed Enrico Polazzo, Head of the Emergency Department at St. Vincent’s hospital.
“We interviewed every patient that was at the premiere, and they all told similar stories. Within 5 minutes of the film starting they suddenly fell ill, with complaints of nausea and vomiting, explosive diarrhea, dizziness, disorientation and fluid seepage from various orifices. The last time we saw something similar to this was the return of Hey Hey it’s Saturday earlier this year.”
A spokesman for the cinema claimed that they had quarantined the films print, which appeared to be glowing , and had called in the army to have it destroyed safely.
“We’re not taking any chances with this film,” said Jonathan Livingston Seagull, head projectionist at the Jam Factory. “We’re destroying the print we used and refunding all ticket costs. Furthermore, we’ll be removing all future sessions and replacing it with ‘90 Minutes of Jim Carrey Pulling Various Faces‘ which is the new film from Jim Carrey.”
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