A corporate spy working for Nurofen Zavance has been tortured, shot, thrown from a moving vehicle and shot again after security guards from rival firm GlaxoSmithKline caught her trying to steal their secret recipe for Tutti Frutti flavoured Childrens Panadol.
The spy, identified as 32 year old Lorena Zubanca, had initially escaped from guards at the GlaxoSmithKline Head Office, but when her employer, Reckitt Benckiser, used the footage of her escape as part of thier 2010 commercial for their Nurofen Zavance pain reliever, security guards were able to track her down to a one bedroom flat in Middlesex, England.
“We weren’t too concerned with her escaping the Research and Development Office, to be honest,” said Enrico Polazzo, GlaxoSmithKline’s Head of Security and Torture.
“She didn’t realise at the time that she had only managed to steal our internal lunch order forms. Granted, we do eat some very weird Indian food so the list might have looked important to the uneducated eyes of a Nurofen Zavance spy, but it was in fact totally harmless. Except for the disruption to our lunch order that day, that is. That was quite annoying.”
However, it wasn’t the theft itself that resulted in her death, claims Polazzo.
“Oh, the torture thing? Well, as I said, we didn’t mind her breaking in to our building. We didn’t even mind that she installed a Zavance Mode button in our elevator to make it go twice as fast as other elevators. That has been quite handy. No, what we found very, very annoying was that smug little salute she gave our security cameras as she escaped. You can see it at the end of the commercial her employers ran on television. It made me so angry. There was no doubt that it was an insult directed at me, because she knew that it was the salute of the Russian Spetsnaz Special Forces Unit that I was a member of before taking over torture duties for GSK’s Childrens Panadol Flavour Research Division. That is why I tortured and killed her. I did terrible things to her. She kept screaming out for a Zavance tablet to numb the pain, but I only gave her regular Nurofen instead! It made her pain twice as bad and took her 2x longer to die!”
Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Nurofen Zavance, also recently came under fire from various Women’s Rights Groups for sacking Sonia N. Tonight, who was in charge of pushing the More Speed Button for the Nurofen Zavance Racing Team.
Furbur Grurburnsturn, spokesman for Nurofen Zavance, said “..in light of our spy being captured and killed because a sudden headache impaired her judgement, we are currently reviewing all female employment contracts. It appears that women who work for Nurofen are susceptible to headaches occuring at very critical moments. We may have to sack them all. We believe Ms Zubanca could have evaded capture and all that mucking about with elevators and ropes if she had just escaped via a nearby side door. Her smugness led to her own death, so we take no responsibility. However, we are also looking into the possibility that our superfast pain relievers make people do irrational things, which would also explain the actions of Ms Tonight, Ms Zubanca and our commercials.”
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