Canadian teen heart-throb moppet Justin Bieber was forced to cancel his only Australian performance today when police feared that a sudden surge in high powered sniper rifle sales in the days leading up to his appearance was not an unrelated co-incidence.
Simon Overland, Chief Commissioner of Victoria Police was angered by the mass hysteria amongst parents of 8 – 14 year old girls, demanding they hand their high powered weapons back for a full refund or store credit, or face serious charges.
“Being a parent of two girls under 15 years, I can fully understand what other parents must be going through. Believe me, I’ve spent many nights polishing my service revolver, contemplating infiltrating his security team and blowing his smarmy little head off in a hail of brain and blood and shitty hair product. But, ultimately, I realised that the sheer pain my kids put me through right now with him alive would be nothing compared to the pain they would inflict on me if he were to suddenly die in a hail of bullets,” said Overland this afternoon.
Bieber’s management disputed the security concerns.
“We had to cancel the show when Justin said he had an upset tummy, probably from drinking a little too much chocolate milk with his cereal this morning. We thought it best if Justin rested his belly and took a few days off school and performing,” claimed his manager and father, Lucifer Beiber.
The disappointed teens, some of whom had camped out for 4 months to secure seats, were upset, but sympathised with Justin.
“I spent every cent I had on Justin’s tickets, his tshirts, caps, shoes, cd’s, Happy Meal and “How to get hair like Justin” instructional DVD, but I don’t mind because I know how bad an upset tummy can be,” said Tabyther Climoont, 15, or Lalor.
Tabyther’s father, Burthaniel was equally understanding.
“Yeah, I hope the little fucker gets better real fast, because I just blew $12,000 on a Barrett M82A1 .50mm sniper rifle with laser powered day/night scope, plus another $5,000 just to have it smuggled through customs. They’re gonna be picking his upset tummy out of a tree 3 km’s away from his head when I’m done.”
Justin’s management apologised for the the inconvenience to parents, but refused to refund the cost of tickets. However they did release another list of “5 More Things You May Not Know About Justin” to adoring fans.
1. Justin likes to have his food pre-chewed by his father and regurgitated into his mouth.
2. Justins favourite thing in the whole world is jelly shaped like Justin.
3. Bono from U2 once held a gun to Justin’s head and demanded he insert a AAA battery into the tip of his penis to prove he wasn’t an alien.
4. Justin was raised by Sir Tim Rice between the ages of 2 and 5 and was the inspiration for the lyrics to “One Night in Bangkok”.
5. Justin was voted “Most Likely to be the subject of a Coronial Inquiry” in 2008 by his classmates.
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