Akio Toyoda, 53 year old President of the worlds largest car manufacturer Toyota, has apologised for the dangerous safety issues currently affecting most of their models.
“I ram vely solly for making vely bad car. Toyroda is quarity number A1 top happy! Maybe car exprode because you not drive in good fashion? But you okay, you no burning, you bring car here, I fix good, okay?”
Toyota is under investigation after 34 people in the United States are suspected to have died in incidents involving faulty brakes and stuck accelerators in various models.
Akio Toyoda blamed the problem on failed quality control arising from over-aggressive growth, high demand and paying workers with rice crackers.
“Re are big, big compary. Ereyone want Toyroda. They say ‘You give me car now! You give me car now!’ Too many orders! We make lots many cars, some cars is good, people is vely happy, but some car go BANG! People not vely happy. Re be vely vely solly. We have your gratitude.”
In an effort to restore buyer confidence in their damaged brand, Toyota’s Head of Global Diversionary Marketing, Carl Spackler, announced the biggest sale in Toyota’s history would be held this weekend.
“Hurry up and don’t miss out! Toyota are SMASHING PRICES this weekend for the BIGGEST SALES EVENT in Toyota’s history! This Friday, Saturday and Sunday only, we’re under accountant’s instructions to LIQUIDATE ALL STOCK, with prices clashing from a low as $14,990!” said Mr Spackler.
“Come prepared with your cheque book, drivers license, and bargaining helmet, because we’re doing deals on EVERY FLAMING VEHICLE IN STOCK at every Toyota dealership around the world! We have quality new, used, and slightly fire damaged sedans and commercials and they’ve all got to go at amazing low low prices. WE’RE BLOWING UP PRICES AND MAKING BURNING HOT DEALS!
And don’t forget to bring in your current vehicle, as we’re offering TOP DOLLAR for your trade in, regardless of age or condition! Have you got a Toyota that’s recently been involved in a high speed accident due to brake failure? Then bring that in too and our onsite lawyers will give you the best trade-in compensation deal available this weekend – GUARANTEED!
You won’t find a better deal, with SPECIAL RED SPOT BARGAINS every day at every location, so don’t miss out. Bring the kids, bring your family, bring fire retardant pants because we’ve got scorching deals and sizzling savings! Get in early, call your local dealer TODAY to reserve your place at this AMAZING ONCE A YEAR SPECIAL 3 DAY PRICE CRASH SALE!”
After the media conference, Mr Toyoda and Mr Spackler were killed instantly when their Toyota Prius suddenly accelerated through a red light and exploded on impact with a 1992 Ford Fairlane. The Ford suffered minor paint damage.
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