Panic hit worldwide markets overnight, after Wall Street’s Dow Jones suffered a record 9% intraday plunge, before recovering slightly to end 3.2% down.
The unexpected almost 1,000 point drop is being attributed to several possible causes, including: director Kevin Smith’s ass sitting on a keyboard; a trader who drank a 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel getting the shakes while entering a trade;, or the possibility that no-one actually has any fucking idea what they’re doing on Wall Street.
“That suggestion that no-one in the industry has any fucking idea what they’re doing is a very real possibility being investigated right now,” said President Barak Obama. “Also, my team of advisors tell me there are rumours that Gordon Gekko is trying to short the market to break the back of his rival Sir Larry Wildman of Anacott Steel, that limey uppity sonofabitch. I hope Gordon sucks his eyes out and pisses on his skull!”
Markets around the world reacted wildly to the drop, with everyone from Governments to mum and dad investors going on red-alert.
“OH GOD! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN! I have 800,000 shares in CNX Electronics that were gonna fund my retirement next year,” exclaimed Tony Danza, star of Who’s the Boss.
In Australia, the various morning news programs and papers were reporting the overnight Dow plunge and brought in market experts for an informed analysis.
The TEN Network had Tom Piotrowski from Commsec assess the ramifications for Australian markets todays.
“Well, the Dow fell last night, it looks like something bad happened, so it went down a bit, then up a bit, then down a lot, then back up a bit and finally down some more,” said Tom.
“Experts are blaming these movements on various causes, possibly a lack of fibre, or maybe too much fibre, I’m not sure which really. My barber thinks it’s being caused by the worldwide shortage of Bryl-creem, and frankly I don’t have a better explanation myself right now. I predict that our markets in the morning will open by going down like a $5 hooker, then it will go up a bit and then back down, then up, down, up, up, down, down, down, then probably go back up towards the end of the day and finish with a bit of a mess. But it won’t be as bad as the media reported it would be. At least that’s what my 5 year old son told me usually happens. I personally have no bloody idea how the market works,” said Tom.
“And by the, here’s a tip you didn’t hear from me: Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel.”
MORNING UPDATE
Within 20 minutes of opening, Australian shares had plunged by nearly 3%. We have reports of gunfire and large, human shaped debris being thrown from the South Tower of the Rialto in Collins St, Melbourne and similar events occurring in Bridge St, Sydney. We’ll have further updates shortly.
Comments are closed.