The makers of Snuggie are in damage control today, with newly released figures from hospitals nationwide indicating that accidents involving the “The Blanket with Sleeves!” are up over 450% on the same period last year.
In the most recent incident, a family of 4 watching television while wearing Snuggie’s suffered multiple injuries when the youngest child tripped on the long blanket and slammed his head through a glass coffee table, causing serious lacerations. The father, when attempting to help his child, caught the edge of his Snuggie on a small foot heater and was set alight by the highly flammable material. His wife tried to put out the flames with her own Snuggie and was engulfed in a fireball. Their second child ran screaming to the neighbours for help and was mauled by their pet dog who was attracted to the bright blue blanket. All family members are in hospital, and are expected to make a full recovery.
The makers have denied liability, claiming any accident involving the Snuggie, “The Blanket with Sleeves!” to be totally co-incidental and negligence on behalf of the wearer.
Other incidents involving the popular monk-like robe include: a 34 year old man wearing a Snuggie to a football game who was fatally bashed to death by complete strangers; a 44 year old single woman whose Snuggie cloaked body was found 3 weeks after she died of what coroners suspect was shame; a 21 year old apprentice bricklayer who was buried under 300 tonnes of quick drying cement when he admitting to work mates that he wore a Snuggie when stoned; 75 people who suffered 3rd degree burns when their Snuggies were set alight by embers from a bonfire; a group of drunken friends in their mid-twenties who were attacked on their way home from a Snuggie-Crawl couldn’t outrun their attackers because the Snuggies had absorbed thier vomit and weighed them down; and a 55 year old married father of 3 who attempted suicide when his wife discovered him having an internet-chatroom affair with the old lady from the Snuggie infomercial.
The Rudd Government ruled out banning the Snuggie during question time in Canberra, claiming that people had a democratic right to purchase and wear the Snuggie, or any of the many imitations, even though the Government advised against it and ruled the item a “serious risk to the stability and safety of this country”.
“Anyone who chooses to ignore our advice and purchases a Snuggie with the intention of wearing the item needs to understand that they have to accept responsibility for their own actions and must suffer the consequences” said Mr. Rudd, ” Whether it’s gentle ribbing from family, a friendly bashing from collegues or an outright violent assault from total strangers, if you wear a Snuggie then tough shit, you deserve it.”
Hospitals are appealing to the Government for a an additional 300 million dollars in funding to handle the influx of Snuggie injury related patients.
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