Following recent public jubilation over the execution of the Kinder Surprise jingle writer for crimes against humanity, La Casa Nostra, commonly referred to as The Mob, The Mafia, or “Those Guys..you know..with the pants” announced they were prepared to offer a certified professional hitman the sum of one million dollars for the assassination of all the actors involved in the recent “You Become the Surprise” Kinder Surprise commercial.
“We want this done by a professional, not just any nutjob with a rusty hatchet, we got standards you know? Fuhgeddaboudit!” said Vito ‘The Halibut’ Corleone. “That’s why the hitman has to be a certified pro, and willing to sit through an application interview with our ‘board of directors’, if you know what I mean? I mean, this guy.. this guy has gotta have had his papers in order, and his union dues paid up. We want those fucking Kinder Surprise actors taken out, and we want it done right! We don’t need no civilians getting caught up in no street gunfight bloodbath, what with the shooting and the blood and moaning and gutters running red! This ain’t like the good old days where we’d offer any schmuck $50 to take out the local butcher cause he gave us a bad cut of rump roast, that God-damned degenerate finocch. To think I baptised his only son! Fuhgeddaboudit! Those Kinder Surprise sonnofabitches make me so fucking mad I beat my son last night!”
The FBI were reluctant to comment on allegations they had given the Mob their approval to proceed with the hit. “We can neither confirm nor deny that we have given our approval to the esteemed Don Pasquale to proceed with the hit against Kinder Surprise actors.” said Bureau Agent in Charge of Mafia/FBI Relations, Stefano ‘The Insider’ DiMera. “It would not be ethical to discuss the possibility that the FBI had sanctioned the assassination of an actor or multiple actors based on their horrible, I repeat, horrible, God awful portrayal of a father and son in a Kinder Surprise commercial for the confectionery industry, or other such industries that said portrayal may or may not have occurred in. Furthermore, the location of said actors and the 2 digit access code for the door to their safehouse, located conveniently in the Upper Manhattan area, is safe with the FBI. Fuhgedda.. umm, I mean forget about it.”
Ferrero, owner of the Kinder Surprise brand, again apologised for the commercial, and offered their full assistance to the mob in locating and eliminating the actors and film crew involved in the commercial.
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