After the release today of a another startlingly arrogant and nearsighted video sermon from miner Gina Rinehart, the 4.6 billion year old planet Earth broke eons of self imposed silence and publicly declared “Gina Rinehart should really shut the fuck up” to a packed press conference.
“Perhaps she needs reminding exactly who is treating who like a bloody ATM” said Earth disgustedly.
Rinehart, Australia’s richest land dwelling mammal, said in her speech, “Let’s not be too proud to admit that we’re really just a large island with a small population with record debt. It is my job to dig up as much of this small island as possible, destroy the environment while extracting everything of value and exploit it for personal profit by sending it overseas for people to make into important things like televisions, cars and mining machinery that I can use to dig up even more of the resources that I find hiding in the ground. It’s my ground. I own it. I call it Barry. Leave us alone. We’re in love.”
“I should be able to do this with the minimum amount of tax and interference from Government, the ignorant public and mouthy sentient planets,” said Rinehart.
Earth responded that the people of Australia, and in fact Australia herself, had had just about enough of her self-important bullshittery and increasingly outlandish commentary.
This latest outcry against Rinehart comes after her 2012 comments that Australians should “stop whingeing and do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working, preferably for $2 a day, like the Africans.”
“If Gina doesn’t like being used as an ATM, perhaps she should hand back the billions of dollars in subsidies the government has handed out to the mining industry over the years,” said Earth. “With that in mind, rather than refer to herself as an ATM, perhaps a better term would be “Piggy Bank? Because she’s a greedy fucking pig. Get it? Fuck off, that was funny for a talking planet!”
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