Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta has accused her alter ego, musical celebrity Lady Gaga, of sexually abusing her as a teenager.
Germanotta, sitting on an elephant suspended below a hovering pink helicopter, addressed the assembled press conference held at the top of the Empire State Building.
She told the gathered media she had instructed her lawyers to sue Lady Gaga over the sexual abuse incident, which is believed to have occured while she was taking a bath when she was 16 years old.
However, when asked to confirm or deny rumours she was either a male, female, hermaphradite or a cockerspaniel with a split personality, she called an end to the press conference and screamed “Jellybean rainbows with spidermonkey harpoons, boobtape militia hunting infected gazelles! FEET! FEEEEEEEEET!!” before flying off.
Gender rumours have been circulating since grainy footage of Germanotta dressed as a penis shaped radish appeared on YouTube.
Germanotta claims the outfit was merely her abstract fashion interpretation of the Declaration of Independence, but fans have been flooding message boards with speculation that it was actually a specially coded message.
The President of her fan club, Linda DeWaltenbergensteinerstrum, claims the footage was clearly meant just for her, as it contained obscure references that only she would understand.
“I’m her number one fan! No-one else in the world knows her like I do. I spend all my waking hours listening to her “music”, studying her “fashion” and explaining her “appeal” to other rational non-fans.”
When DeWaltenbergensteinerstrum was asked for her interpretation, she claimed it hinted at “a new Lady Gaga CD, a desperate cry for help and possibly something about an epic disaster of biblical proportions destroying all life on Earth in December 2012.”
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