Channel Nine have announced plans to bring about the end of life as we know it in order to combat their epic ratings slump.
Nine said that the simultaneous launch of a new show starring Clare “Chk Chk Check out how racist I am” Werbeloff, and the return of Hey Hey It’s Saturday with Daryl Sommers should generate enough concentrated stupidity to create a blackhole that will wipeout civilisation and devour the earth.
Critics of Nine from the more popular networks such as Network TEN, The Seven Network, ABC, SBS and Channel 31 (a student run station funded by marijuana sales) say Nine should reconsider their plan, and to instead just shut the station down permanently, which would allow life on earth to continue as if Nine never existed.
Spokesperson for the combined Networks Against Nine Association, Tabitha Stephens said “We urge Nine to shelve this insane plan immediately. The very thought of Daryl Sommers returning to the small screen once again has turned everyone against them. Do they think that that bumbling, senile, drum playing, annoying fool can resurrect their position as a serious player in Australia’s television environment? Don’t they realise the damage they’ve already done with shows like 20-1, which comes up with a new excuse each week to show some T & A. I mean, seriously! The 20-1 Top Lingerie Model Door Slammings? Really? Is that the best they can do?”
Channel Nine spokesmonkey, Coco, said “I don’t know what they’re on about. We at Nine think that letting a racist drunken homophobe from Sydney host a show about avoiding scams is a brilliant idea! And as for letting a 58 year old has-been return to the screen, well, it worked for Bert didn’t it? Look how well he’s doing hosting 20-1, and ..um…ah.. that other thing.. you know..” Coco then pooped onto his own hand and flung it at a wall, before returning to the Nine studio head office.
Daryl Sommers had no comment, as we refused to speak with him.
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