The Nurofen Zavance Racing Team, sponsored by Nurofen Zavance, the headache medication that makes you drive two times faster than normal headache medicine, today sacked Sonia N. Tonight, the Head of the More Speed Button.
Team Manager, Frisbee J. Jones, told Sports Tonight that he was “..sick and tired of losing race after race. It’s always the same excuse, she has a headache, she has a migraine, blah blah blah! I mean for Chrissakes! We’re sponsored by a Goddamned pharmaceutical company who sells headache tablets! We’re called the Nurofen Zavance Racing Team! Take a tablet before the race! All she has to do is push a bloody button on her computer when I tell her, and that’s it, she can go home. But no, she sits there all damn day, making $150,000 a year, and then 500 meters from the finish line when it’s neck and neck, I tell her I need ‘MORE SPEED’ so she should push the bloody ‘MORE SPEED’ button, which activates the cars Zavance Mode, and instead she starts rubbing her eyes and moaning like someone just asked her to sculpt the Eiffel Tower out of shit! JUST PUSH THE BUTTON! PUSH THE BUTTON PUSH THE BUTTON PUSH THE BUTTON!”
Sonia N. Tonight claimed in her defense that the headaches were sudden and crippling, affecting her eyesight so badly that she was often unable to see the More Speed button clearly enough to push it.
The More Speed Zavance Mode button used by the Nurofen Zavance Racing Team has been a cause of controversy in racing circles. Opposition racing teams, such as Streets Magnum Racing, Dynamo Ultrabrite Racing and Team Weetbix have all questioned the use of the button, which is a operated from a touchscreen laptop in the team pits.
“Why have such a crucial button in the pits, operated by someone who constantly suffers headaches so debilitating that she can’t manage to push a 12 square inch button on a toushscreen? I mean, the button is huge, you could throw a shoe at it from across the room and still hit it! But frankly, I just don’t understand why they don’t put the button in the car, where it’s needed most, so the driver can press it when he feels he really needs ‘More Speed’? said Fangio B. Webber, driver for Team Oh Oh Razzamatazz.
Nurofen Zavance Racing Team indicated that the replacement More Speed button operator would be announced as soon as they completed a worldwide search for someone qualified enough, and male.
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