Richmond Superstar Ben Cousins is still in critical condition this morning after being admitted to Epworth Hospital’s Emergency Department after a suspected overdose of sleeping pills, caffeine tablets, Panadols, Smarties, TicTac’s, Nerds, a button from his shirt, various sized nuts and bolts, a 15amp car fuse and 43 other small pill shaped items.
“At this stage, it appears that Ben has been sedated and is now ‘comfortably unconscious’, as specified on his Medical Alert bracelet ,” Cousins manager Enrico Polazzo told assembled reporters outside of Epworth Hospital.
“We expect Ben to remain in Intensive Care for a few more days. We’ve managed to pump most of the sleeping pills out of his stomach, but we’ve had to order a special industrial vacumm from the internet to deal with a 5kg blockage of Nerd’s in his lower intestine,” said Ralph Maccio, Epworth Hospitals Head of Celebrity Ingestion Related Injuries Department.
“Those grape flavoured Nerd’s are especially dangerous. If they mix with the caffeine tablets further down in his bowels we could have an explosive reaction similar to placing Mento’s in a Coke bottle. We have taken the precaution of facing Ben’s butt towards an open window, just to be safe.”
This latest setback for Cousins comes after a surprise victory over Sydney on the weekend. Richmond officials have denied that Ben was involved in any form of ‘celebratory bender’.
“The rumours are false, there was no celebration involving drugs or confectionery of any kind, ” said Richmond spokesman Alex DeLarge.
“It’s true the players did attempt to shoot down a 737 with laser guided missiles, and they did cause a 43 car pile up in the Domain Tunnel, and that incident involving hundreds of strippers is still under investigation, but we categorically deny that Ben or the other players took any illicit drugs or sugary treats.”
Richmond has denied that Ben will miss this weeks game against Fremantle.
“Some of Ben’s best playing has been while he was unconscious,” claimed the spokesman. “So yeah, he’ll be running out on the field at Etihad on Saturday. This unconsciousness thingy is just how he rests betweeen games. We don’t expect it to affect his game.”
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