Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the new iPhone 4.
Speaking at Apple’s Worldwide Developer Conference, the iPhone 4 announcement was overshadowed by recently leaked iPhone prototypes that were picked apart and covered extensively by gadget blog Gizmodo.com.
This years Conference and Jobs Keynote speech was a more subdued affair than previous years, with only 6 hissyfits and 2 dozen cases of hysteria induced fainting occuring in the packed predominantly white male audience.
“The new iPhone 4, on sale today, includes more than 100 revolutionary new meh’s and over 60 improved pfft’s, features including a front-facing pfft to allow for pfft-conferencing, a better still meh with improved resolution, an improved pfft life for longer calls and a screen with significantly higher mehness,” Jobs announced.
“The new front-facing camera will allow iPhone 4 owners to show their non-iPhone 4owning friends that they have a front facing camera that many other phones and iPhone 3’s already have, but which many people will now believe Apple invented specially for the iPhone 4,” said Jobs.
“This new iPhone also lets you capture HD video and edit it right on the phone! Now, millions of iPhone 4 owners can say “Hey! I can film and edit that funny moment on my iPhone 4!” during those magic times with family and friends. Then, when everyone else gets back to having a good laugh, you can spend 2 hours in a corner trying to figure out how to actually edit, and 3 hours wondering why you even want to frankly,” said Randy Ubillos, Apple’s Head Video Guy, while attempting to demonstrate the iMovie video editing application shortly before giving up in frustration and getting back to eating cake and calling for pizza on his Nokia.
Steve Jobs also claimed the higher-resolution screen was as a major step forward for all phone displays.
“Yes, this 3.5 inch screen is technically the same size as earlier iPhones, but its higher resolution of 326 pixels per inch will allow you to brag to friends that your icons and your contact telephone numbers just look that little bit ‘crisper’ than older iPhones, and bragging rights is what it’s all about.”
“You see, there is this ‘magic number’ around 300 pixels per inch that is the limit of the human retina, and the iPhone is now over that limit by 26 pixels! And because your eyes can’t actually see the extra 26 pixels per inch, we’re going to use it to stream my rantings about other technology companies right into your brain via your optic nerve,” continued Jobs.
Jobs also claimed the improved longer life battery “.. will allow users to drop 40% more phone calls!”
“And it’s 24% thinner than the last iPhone too,” Jobs said. “It makes the iPhone 3GS look like a Plus Size supermodel. Seriously, what the hell were we thinking with that bulky piece of shit? And that curved slippery shape that made you drop it everytime you ate hot chips or greasy kebabs? I can’t believe people didn’t figure out we did that deliberately! It’s amazing!”
Jobs concluded his keynote address with the revelation that these advances in technology “..won’t come at any additional cost to you, the loyal iPhone 4 upgrader. We’ve cut costs by forcing staff on our production line to eat the little foam peanuts that suppliers use to package components, and workers who commit suicide will now be vacuum packed in clear bags to save space in our warehouse. These cost cutting measure alone will save us 8 billion dollars per year.”
“The iPhone 4 is the cheapest and most guilt-free way ever to be the envy of all your friends!” concluded Jobs.
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