Liberal Party Rejects ETS, Burns it, Wraps Ashes in Plastic, Throws it in Ocean Where it Chokes a Dolphin

The Liberal Party, under the new leadership of Tony “Kill ‘Em All!” Abbott, today rejected Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s proposed Emission Trading Scheme 41Â to 33 votes in the Senate.

“No one wants this pretend tax bullshit, certainly not me, and definitely not any hard working Aussie driving around in a V8 with the aircon running and a 45 square home with 5 plasma televisions” said Mr Abbott after the vote.

“Global Warming is the biggest scam ever pulled on the human race, and it’s about time the people in power – such as moi – stood up to the Greenies and punched them square in the face with a slab of burning coal coated in oil, and dipped in whale blubber.”

Kevin Rudd expressed his dissapointment at the vote, but vowed not to give up.

“I refuse to back down on the ETS. Every man, woman and child in Australia, whether they know it or not, wants the ETS. They’re just too dumb to know what it is and and too stupid for me to bother listening to. It will pass, even if I have to set fire to every square inch of farmland, switch on every electrical item, burn every drop of petrol and fly First Class on every International airline to make people understand that I really, really, really want that United Nations posting when I’m beaten in the next election. Sorry, what was your question again?”

Numerous opinion polls are pointing to a backlash against the Labor Party over the ETS.

“Our polls show the ETS is very unpopular with Joe Public and Maria Public agrees with her husband for once” said Chas Michael Michael of Thomastown Public Polls and Smash Repairs. “Joe Public voted for Rudd, and then happily spent his stimulus cheques on thousands of dollars worth of unneccesary electrical gadgets for the house, thinking he was helping the economy. But now he’s pissed off because Mr. Rudd wants to stop him using electricity, making all the new tv’s, coffee machines, foot massagers and industrial vacuum cleaners he bought useless. Joe Public is pissed off, but mostly confused, which makes him even more pissed off.”

News of the backlash even made the headlines overseas, where in England politicians paused from building moats around their houses and buggering small children to express dismay with what they called “Australia’s global backstep”.

“Every person in the world today knows that Global Warming is the popular thing to talk about. The dodgy science, the flimsy evidence, the anecdotal stories all point to something not good which we can tut-tut about, and that means we can tax it and say ‘it’s for your own good!‘” claimed Lord Smythington-Worthington-Trent-on-Stoke the Third, Minister for Tea and Housing.

“I say, it’s positively preposterous that Australia, a relatively new nation of convicts and unwashed refugees, can have the audacity to reject the admittedly dubious claims of Global Warming. They don’t have the refined education and sexual repression that 13 years of boarding school creates to make these sorts of informed decisions! They better tow the line or we’ll send the Queen to visit them again at their taxpayer expense! That will show them. Jolly good show, what! Tally-ho.”

Mr Abbott said this was just the beginning.

“When I’m done, supermarkets will insist you use 3 plastic bags for every item, electricity prices will be halved, petrol will be .13 cents a litre and every household will get a free 4 wheel drive. It’s time this planet learned to shut the fuck up!”