Tony Abbott has become the new Liberal Party Heavyweight Champion after a blood soaked violent 3 Way Cage Match this morning.
Abbott came out fast in the first round and immediately strangled Joe Hockey with a Brazilian Reverse Sleeper Hold before Hockey could get a punch in.
Hockey struggled to escape his grip and retain consciousness, passing out moments later.
However, the tone of the fight was set when Abbott refused to release his grip, and with the Liberal Party crowd wildly baying for blood he tightened his hold until Hockey’s body was completely lifeless.
The Referee, Party Whip Michael Johnson, declared Hockey dead on the canvas, and ordered Malcolm Turnbull into the ring.
Round two began just as violently with Turnbull jumping the ropes before the starting bell rang and hurling a sterling silver soup ladle at Abbott, which struck his temple and opened a 4 inch gushing wound.
Abbott countered with a flurry of kicks and punches to Turnbull’s face, disorienting him, before plucking out Turnbull’s left eyeball and throwing it to the cheering crowd.
Only 20 seconds into the second round, with Turnbull already blinded, staggering and dazed, Abbott slammed Turnbull to the canvas and stomped on his testicles repeatedly until his groin was a bloody pulp.
Sensing defeat, Turnbull tried to exit the cage but was dragged back in screaming like a little girl and beaten to death by a furious Abbott who then smeared Turnbull’s blood over his body and screamed “Are you not entertained!?” to the crowd.
During the post match press conference Abbott praised his late challengers, and said he would take their wives and children as his trophies.
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd called Mr Abbott moments later offering his congratulations and indicating he looked forward to facing such a worthy foe in hand-to-hand combat at the next election.
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