Carlton Football Club have finally run out of patience with controversial forward Brendan Fevola, offering him up for immediate trade.
Fevola, still recovering from recent events that saw him sexually molest a police divvy van after he lost an arguement with a drunk horse during the Brownlow After Party, expressed his disappointment with this latest turn of events.
“That fucken horse had it coming, swear to God! He was nagging me all night about my bad form in easy setups during low pressure moments in the second half of the season, so I told him he was full of shit, but then he pulls out this page of stats he found on the internet that proved his point, so what could I do? He was bloody right! So I punched him. Really fucken hard. Knocked him out cold. The cops came and arrested me, so I tried to hump their divvy van’s exhaust pipe, you know, like you do when you’ve had a few too many and fell a bit randy. Now they wanna trade me because of this? That’s BULLSHIT!”
In a statement released tonight, Carlton officials advised that “The Carlton Football Club has informed Brendan Fevola and his management that it will be working to secure a trade that will see Brendan swapped for a Lugia EX Pokemon card, a trade which we believe is a fair value swap when you consider Fevola’s natural ability and the Lugia EX’s rareness and power against other Pokemon cards. We will also consider trading Fevola for a BMX in good condition, or a roof rack for a 1991 Ford Fairlane. ”
Carlton president, Stephen Kernahan revealed he had already been in discussions with several interested people hoping to pickup Fevola in exchange for the Lugia EX card. He expects a trade will be secured by Sunday night, which will allow his son to show friends the Pokemon card when school resumes on Monday.
“My little boy was so excited when he heard Fevola might be up for trade,” said Kernahan. “He started talking about how some kid at his school had a rare Pokemon card for trade called a Lugia EX that is worth $120. It apparently has a really cool looking black swirly background, 100 hit points and 200 points of damage, so I figured that sounded like something that would probably be a fair swap for Fev. It will certainly be easier to manage than Fev. I can’t imagine a Pokemon card pissing on a shop window or wearing a dildo in public, so it already has a plenty of benefits when you think about it.”
“I couldn’t believe Fevola was up for trade!” said Anthony Contezza, 12, of Brunswick Primary School. “I have a BMX and a Lugia EX card, and dad told me I was allowed to trade the card for Fev but not the bike because it was a Christmas present from grandma. But he did say I had to ask Kernahan for an extra $5 and a Carlton beanie to make it a worthwhile swap. I emailed the offer to Carlton today and they said that it sounded like a fair deal and they would bring Fev around tomorrow to do the deal. Brendan Fevola is gonna be living in my garage! Mum has already put some fresh newspaper and water on the floor for him. Woohoo! Gotta catch ’em all, Gotta catch ’em all, Fevola! ”
Chris Judd is reportedly excited about the prospect of Carlton owning a Lugia EX, and has made plans to view the card in private early next week, but is disappointed that his ’91 Fairlane still needs a roof rack.
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