iSnack 2.0, the new Vegemite flavour from Kraft recently named in a public contest, has been found to contain the dreaded computer based Conficker virus.
Kraft are said to be confused as to how a computer virus has made its way into a yeast based snack paste, but believe it could be a side-effect of the new Gen-Y friendly tech-savvy name.
Kraft spokesman Simon Talbot claims “the lowercase ‘i’ is pretty powerful. Who knows what happens to a product when you put a lowercase ‘i’ in the name? It’s a hotly debated topic in food sciences at the moment.”
Kraft are working urgently with scientists from CERN in Geneva and Global Dynamics in Eureka to find a way to halt the spread.
Symptoms of Conficker virus infection in humans include extreme thirstyness, lethargy, sudden weight gain, a slow shuffling walk, disorentation, massive confusion, explosive diarrhoea, flaking skin, extreme light sensitivity, death and the urge to eat the brains of people who are not infected.
Authorities fear that potentially everyone who works in an I.T. related field could already be infected, whether they’ve eaten iSnack 2.0 or not.
The blogosphere has erupted in condemnation of Kraft’s new snack, with many websites insisting that Kraft failed to heed warning signs that the product was doomed to failure.
“What the hell is wrong with them (Kraft)?” asked Justin Timberlake Jnr, editor of www.isnack2.com.
“They take a perfectly disgusting spread, add cheese and a zombifying virus, then expect us to eat it? How stupid do they think we are? I had to stop after the first 8 jars, as my tongue shrivelled up and turned to dust. I just couldn’t stand that unique mix of bitter yeast, salt and fromage. Then I slowly shuffled over to my best friend, killed him and ate his brain. I mean, that tells you that the Kraft focus groups missed something with iSnack 2.0 , right? Bwraaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooogggggggh!”
Kraft spokesman Simon Talbot refuted Justin Timberlake Jnr’s claims.
“That’s patently ridiculous. Would you really take the word of a dancing zombie over an MBA graduate? We tested iSnack 2.0 thoroughly. Why do you think it’s up to version 2.0? All the versions from the initial beta through to v1.9 had serious flaws. There was iSnack 1.2 which somehow contained a hybrid ebola virus that caused test subjects to bleed out their intestines through their anus. iSnack 1.7 spontaneously solidified then exploded sending razor sharp shrapnel which killed everyone within a 300 meter radius – the army were interested in buying that one. iSnack 1.5 caused accelerated hyper-intelligence, giving eaters a 420 I.Q but also turned thier bodies to a mouldy green gelatinous sludge. Seriously, we tested the living shit out of this stuff before it hit the shelves. How were we to know that the combined ingredients would become organically self-aware on September 29th 2009 at 2:14 am Eastern Time and somehow learn to interface with the computers in the marketing department which were infected with the Conficker worm? We make food here, not human anti-virus software.”
Mr Talbot then halted the conference while he took an unexpected phone call.
“Ah..excuse me a moment everyone, my phone is ringing. Yes sir. Yes sir. No sir. I just came up with that human anti-virus line… ah huh, really? We are? Okay, I’ll make the announcement right away, sir. Um, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I’m happy to announce that Kraft Foods have just acquired antivirus software developer Symantec, and are at this very moment devloping a whole new range of human anti-virus foods to compliment our range of human virus causing snack treats. We strongly believe the iSnack 2.0 zombie threat will be effectively eliminated within 3 years with a tasty ham and cheese flavoured sandwhich spread, which we plan to market as iSnack 3.5. You can collect an information leaflet on your way out. Thank you for coming.”
The Pope, leader of the worldwide Catholic Church, released a brief statement that indicated he was dissapointed with Kraft’s iSnack 2.0 zombification side effect and would be switching to a Vatican approved chunky peanut butter instead.
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