Champion tennis star and avid bear wrestler Serena Williams has been arrested by police and ordered to stand trial for cannibalism and the decapitation murder of a lines-woman at the US Open today.
Williams, serving for matchpoint against Kim Clijsters, was foot faulted by the lines-woman, triggering a verbal outburst.
Williams is alleged to have said “‘You don’t fucking know me. You better be fucking right, beotch, ’cause I’m gonna shove this fucking ball down your muthafucking throat, then I’m gonna eat your face, then I’m gonna use your kidney as a tennis racquet and use your head as a ball and if you try to fault me again I will smash your head right the f#ck out of the stadium!! ”
The terrified lines-woman ran to match officials, fearing for her life.
Serena chased her and tackled her to the ground then tore the womans head off with her bare hands, serving the head to Clijsters in an ace point to win the match.
However, when the match umpire penalised her for a murder violation and awarded the game to Clijsters, Williams climbed the umpires chair and proceeded to eat her alive until court security were able to restrain her.
At the aftergame press conference, a handcuffed Williams, wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask, answered questions about her conduct.
“Did I over-react in decapitating the lines-woman and serving her head to Kim then eating the umpire alive? No, I don’t think so. I was upset, sure, but who wouldn’t be after being faulted and losing the Open? I’m sure when all the silly fuss dies down and you find something else to report on, they’ll both see my side of the story and we’ll all have a good laugh about it, preferably over a nice plate of fave beans and a bottle of Chianti” said Williams.
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