David Beckham, human accessory of celebrity Victoria Beckham, has announced his immediate retirement from professional football (or ‘what’s that game?’ as it is known in the United States).
Beckham, who for years has been the public face of soccer, and the public crotch of Calvin Klein underwear, claimed he had gone as far as he could with the sport, and was making room for the next generation of young uneducated overpaid over-privileged multimillionaires to come up through the ranks.
“I done wot I can, you know? I done good. But good, sometimes, good is not good. It’s un-good. It’s the other fing.. what’s that word for fings that are the opposite of a fing? Like, if somefing is hot, and you wanna make it not hot, you tell your servants to put more of the not-hot fing in it? Victoria is screaming at the servants all the time to not make fings so hot for me. I mean, I burn me tongue sometimes it’s so hot, so I get mad and I frow fings at the dogs, and Victoria starts getting mad at the servants and tells them “Why you making fings so bloody hot for David? You know he gets upset when it burns his tongue! Make it more not-hot next time! Yeah.”
It’s reported that Beckham has already fielded lucrative offers to work for Goldman Sachs and Barclays Bank, but is rumoured to be considering a return to his family owned Fish and Chippery in Leytonstone, East London.
“David is a good lad, he means well, and we love him dearly,” said his father, Ted.
“Granted, we don’t understand much of what he says, and that surprises us because he attended the best private schools in England and took elocution lessons from the age of 5. But there is no chance we’ll be putting him in charge of the fryer. Let’s just say he’s not quite up to that level of responsibility just yet.”
Beckham claims to be looking forward to his new role.
“Yeah, it’s gonna be good. I’ll be making chips. Cutting chips. Serving chips. Cooking chips. Me pal Tom Cruise said he’ll come visit me all the time he said. Said he’d like some chips. He likes chips. It’s gonna be good. Yeah.”
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