BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard has just formally announced her plans to end the influx of asylum seekers attempting to enter Australia.
“We don’t like boat people coming to this country unannounced and trying to come in the back door and then trying to sponge off our system which costs every legitimate Australian lots and lots of money from their taxes which are better spent elsewhere doing far more important things like giving it to hugely rich mining companies and besides I don’t think this country can handle anymore people coming here because it’s not a big country it’s a little country and we should only allow Australians to come here and some Irish and Welsh and British and some of those guys with the big beards and the women in the dresses that go over their heads and the ones that work in the 7-11 up the road and the one that I buy my Chinese food from and maybe the guy in the petrol station whatever nationality he is yes that is the sort of Australia we need to have,” said Prime Minister Julia Gillard, as half the assembled reporters started bleeding from their ears.
She continued to outline the method she would use to stop the asylum seekers.
“I will be on 24 hour call and when my Bat Phone rings I will quickly fly to whatever part of the country those illegals have been spotted and I will stand on the beach facing them and I will talk very slowly and boringly like this in my monotonous voice without breathing and I will scare them away and yes very possibly some of them may die as a result of exposure to my voice but that is a side effect we as a people will just have to live with and if that doesn’t work then I will make the most annoying sound in the world into a large and very powerful microphone which has a traffic cone in front of it like they use in those old time movies about the circus and that is guaranteed to stop them and if some just happen to get through because they are deaf than I will go ‘ERRNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNN NNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNN NNNeeeeeeeeee‘ for a really really long time and their heads will explode.”
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