Human carcrash Lara Bingle and Aussie cricketer Michael Clarke have officially split, calling off their engagement and ending their relationship this morning.
The announcement was made in an official statement by the couple’s disgruntled neighbour, Marjorie Paltrow-Brent, Third Lady of Stanthorpe, Eighth in line to the Throne of the Queen of England.
“I’m so sick and fucking tired of all the reporters, the hovering helicopters, the bloody noisey photographers, the autograph hunters, the sanctimonious Today Tonight and A Current Affair hosts and that God-awful worthless self promoting human parasitic pile of shit Max Markson hanging around the building day and night, that I’ve decided to make the bloody obvious announcement that they’ve split up for them, seeing as they’re totally incapable of carrying on like functional, educated and respectable fucking humans,” said an angry Paltrow-Brent, 63 of Sydney.
“I heard Lara’s agent Max Markson wanted one million dollars and a 2 year contract for Lara to officially announce her split from fiance Michael Clarke in her own specially retarded words, so I thought I’d get in early and tell everyone the bleeding obvious for free – they’re over, splitsville, Bingle and Pup are no more, they have ceased to be, their relationship – for want of a better word – is totally fucked.”
“Now will you all please just fuck off and leave us in peace?” said Paltrow-Brent before storming inside her apartment and calling her cousin Queen Elizabeth to update her on events.
Max Markson announced that with Bingle and Clarke’s relationship finally over, he was dumping Bingle as a client and hoped to sign neighbour Marjorie Paltrow-Brent to a 6 year multi-million dollar deal.
“Bingle is a completely useless human being, really, she had no hope of getting a million dollars. I mean, seriously, what can she do? Stare vacuously at a camera with her dead eyes? They already call Jennifer Hawkins for that. I was just bullshitting Lara till someone better came along to represent,” said Markson.
“I’ve already planned the leaking of nude pictures of Marjorie Paltrow-Brent and Chris Judd in a bathtub to the press next week.”
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