Prime Minister Kevin Rudd today outlined his plans for dealing with the Insulation Rebate Scheme disaster by pointing behind assembled reporters and screaming “MY GOD! THEY’RE COMING TO KILL US!”
In the following chaos, Mr Rudd announced that we should be scared, alert, vigilant, and suspicious of everyone because terrorists lived next door to all Australians and wanted to kill us and destroy our way of life.
“I understand you have many questions about the Insulation Scheme right now and how many lives are at risk because of electrocution and fire from shoddy installation” said Mr Rudd.
“I intend to deal with this issue promptly and calmly, without the exaggeration and sensationalism of the press but right now OH MY GOD SOMEONE HAS A BOMB AND WANTS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DEAD!”
Mr Rudd had to defend himself against allegations that his claims of increasing threat from homegrown terrorists was a cynical attempt to frighten the public and draw attention away from the Insulation Rebate bungling by Peter Garrett.
“I refute those claims fully and without equivocation. The Scheme has been halted temporarily while we work out a suitable resposnse and I’m confident that your concerns will be dealt with just as soon as HE HAS A GUN! HE HAS A GUN! RUN AWAY AND HIDE IN YOUR HOUSES BEFORE THE TERRORISTS STEAL OUR WOMEN AND ENSLAVE OUR CHILDREN! RUUUUUN!”
Mr Rudd announced the Federal Government would spend an additional 500 million dollars protecting our borders, scanning immigrants and distributing new and improved fridge magnets.
“These magnets will dwarf ex-Prime Minister John Howard’s magnets. They will be 300% larger and contain the technology necessary to scan and identify potential terrorists living in your street without having to leave your kitchen. These kind of measures are what the public demands of the Goverment in its time of need. We have heard your cries for greater safety in your home and we are responding WATCH OUT! THAT CAR HAS A BOMB IN IT!” continued Mr Rudd.
“Terrorists are becoming more crafty in their ways, and we have it on good authority that they have plans to attack average suburban homes across Australia using simple yet devious methods such as ceiling fires and electrocution. This will make their attacks almost impossible to defend against, and seemingly random. But do not be fooled, the terrorists – LOOK! THERE’S ONE NEXT TO YOU NOW! – want you dead and want you to believe the attacks are not their fault. I urge all Australians to ‘Be scared! Be prepared!’ ”
The new “Be scared! Be prepared!” magnet and a glossy A5 leaflet will be distributed to all homes before the next election.
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