U.S President Barack Obama has used the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony in Norway to declare war on Sweden, the official home of the Nobel Prizes.
“It would be what Alfred Nobel, the great chemical engineer and inventor of dynamite, wanted.” said Obama in his speech.
“To receive such an honour, after being President of the Free-ish World for only 2 weeks, only serves to underscore the significant work I put in to eradicate tyranny and fear from the world during those first tumultuous 336 hours of my distinguished reign. Therefore, it is only fitting that I use this opportunity to honour Alfred Nobel, the father of Dynamite and blowing shit up, by openly declaring war on Sweden on behalf of the United States and Fox News, and demand that it cease production of fine chocolates and contemporary minimalist furniture immediately, or suffer the devastating media commentary of Bill O’Reilly, the deranged ramblings of Glenn Beck and the sheer mental retardation of Erin Burnett.”
King Carl XVI Gustaf , the current Monarch of Sweden, expressed surprise at Obama’s Declaration of War, but called his bluff.
“Unlike America’s profit based greed mongering failing health system, our Goverment funded decentralised Health System model is more than capable of handling any casualties that Obama and his media whores can inflict upon us during an invasion, and our famed electronics firms have already begun to withdraw much needed electrical engineering expertise and communications equipment from the United States Armed Forces. By next Tuesday they will be communicating with each other by walkie-talkies and semaphor while we will be in hottubs with the sexiest female soldiers in the world.”
When pushed for details, Obama refused to elaborate on his plans, indicating that his team was still looking at “many, many scenarios, including possible first strike options. We’re keeping an open mind at the moment, unlike the previous administration. We don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. If we attack someone, we’ll make sure we have a pretty good reason. Not that it means anything, but I hear that Tiger Woods’ wife is from Sweden. Where I come from, if someone comes at you with a golf club, we go after them with an intercontinental ballistic missile. That’s all I’m saying.”
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