Victoria, the self-appointed Sporting Capital of the known 14 dimensional Universe, has declared that it still wants Tiger Woods to return next year, regardless of his current infidelity problems, and has put together a lucrative package which it thinks will entice him out of his self-imposed hiatus.
“The Victorian Government is sensitive to Tiger’s current delicate family issues and is prepared to offer Tiger Woods 8 million dollars in cash to return.” said Victoria’s Premier, John Brumby.
“Additionally, our national airline Qantas has donated a private A380 jet with 35 stewardesses in bikinis; GoldFingers – Melbourne’s premiere Gentlemens Club – has donated 10 free entry passes for his entourage and $20,000 toward a personal lapdance; At The Top of the Town Brothel and Escort Service are throwing in a $500 gift voucher and free pair of edible underwear, and finally Crown Casino are donating its 5 best prostitutes and a $30 drink card valid for the duration of his stay.”
“We believe it is a package that will appeal to Tiger and his needs as a compulsive degenerate. We estimate his visit to Victoria next year could generate in excess of 21 million dollars in revenue for the State’s prostitution and adult entertainment industry. And if he doesn’t want to play golf while he’s here, we’re fine with that as well. He can stay in his Crown hotel room and just order up girls from the room service menu all week.” said Mr Brumby.
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