Tiger Woods, reeling from multiple affair scandals and mounting negative publicity, has agreed to go on The Oprah Winfrey Show for a live primetime interview.
Tiger is hoping that the exposure to such a large female demographic will allow him to carefully manage an apology and reclaim some badly needed sympathy.
“I admit I have a lot of work ahead of me” said Woods from his table at Diamond Dolls Strip Joint in Clearwater, Florida. “Confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness from Oprah and her audience on live television won’t be easy, but it will be worth every painful second if it means I get to tap her big fat ass.”
Sources close to Woods say he appeared relieved, even excited, about the prospect of appearing on Oprah, which is telecast to 450 countries around the world and beamed directly to the MIR space station which currently has one cheesecake eating female cosmonaut aboard.
“He was very concerned at first as he is very media shy, but when I told him that showing remorse and emotion to a bunch of depressed overweight women was a great way to get laid, he knew it was the right thing to do” said his new manager, legendary pornstar Ron Jeremy.
“I told him the ‘domineering rich male thing’ could only work for so long before a massive backlash. Now is the best time to switch to the ‘remorseful male in need of compassion thing’. Look at me. I’m short fat and covered in pubic hair but I get laid like it’s going outta style, so I know a thing or three about pushing the right buttons, and Oprah is about to get her buttons pushed like Gayle King on heat.”
The live Woods/Oprah interview will air on December 22nd. Cheesecake production worldwide is expected to triple to cope with demand.
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