World No. 1 golfer and sneeky bastard love rat Tiger Woods today declared that he had officially changed his name to Armadillo Forest.
The move was an effort to combat further suspicion and innnuendo about his numerous affairs.
“After all I’ve done for the game, they call me ‘Cheetah’ Woods in the papers? Do they know how ridiculous that name sounds?” said Tiger this morning.
“Before me, golf had different winners which were unpredictable, and some might say it even had an element of surprise and competition. But I fixed that so you always knew who was gonna win and be No. 1 ranked for 900 weeks straight. Me. Tiger Woods. Tiger. ‘The Tiger’. Not people with boring names like Greg, or John, or Arnold. And now they’ve wrecked that by calling me ‘Cheetah’. Goddammit! Well no more! From today I shall be known by my new name -Â Armadillo Forest. I shall start fresh and rewin the hearts and minds of unskilled, unco-ordinated obese people around the world who watch sport on television and worship skilled athletes such as myself who have the god given ability to hit a small ball very far with a stick.”
The media was impressed with Woods/Forest’s ploy, claiming that is was more difficult to come up with a clever pun on his new name than before.
“Golly, he’s pulled a fast one on us. I mean, all the damage we did to his name before the change is worthless now. People just won’t know that we’re talking about the same person anymore” said Rupert Murdoch, Chairman and Managing Director of News Corp.
“But I’m not worried, because I just hired 300 of the top English Professors in the world to generate headlines based on his new name. I admit results are a little weak so far, but we expect some usable clever zingers by January. We’ve been tossing around ‘Panty-Eater Forest’ but it’s too hard for our readers to make the connection from ‘Armadillo’ to ‘Ant Eater’ to ‘Panty Eater’. I have to keep reminding them that my readers didn’t go to school, and only understand simple, plain, clear concepts. I’m personally in favour of using ‘Armoured Dildo Forest’ but the lawyers think it opens me up to legal action from Forest”
Armadillo’s embattled wife Elin could not be contacted for comment, with sources close to the family saying “..she’s been spending a lot of time down at the gun club lately. She’s been keeping to herself and drinking a lot. We’re sure she’s fine.”
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