Joe Hockey today challenged embattled Liberal party leader Malcolm Turnbull to a no rules Cage Match to decide the leadership of the Party.
“I’ve had enough of that fucking nancyboy, it’s about time someone kicked his balls out of his mouth and returned the Liberal Party to it’s former glory” said Hockey today after a strenuous workout and sparring session with Tony Abbott. “I’m gonna beat him so bad his grandchildren will feel the pain.”
Turnbull accepted the challenge after consulting with ex-Prime Minister John Howard. “I spoke to John immediately, and he said the only way to handle this kind of threat to my leadership was to tackle it head on. I’ve spoken to Mr Hockey, and informed him that I accept and that I fully expect to punch his fat ugly head right off his neck. They didn’t call me Malcolm ‘The Jabber’ Turnball at boarding school for no reason.”
John Howard said he would stay out of the public spat, but added “I’ve got 50 on Malcolm because I’ve seen how he handles the homeless fuckers around Sydney. That sonofabitch might have blue blood and a toffee nose, but he can punch a drunken wino’s nuts into next week if he’s cornered. Hockey is going to regret this, believe you me!”
Tony Abbott has also offered to challenge Turnbull over his position on Rudd’s ETS bill. “I’ll be in Hockey’s corner, giving him my full support, but if I see Turnbull get the upper hand, I swear to God I’m gonna jump the rope and smash that fucker right between the eyes with a fucking chair. He’s been screwing up this party for far too long. If Labor has taught us anything since our humiliating defeat at the polls, it’s that the average Australian wants a younger, angrier, swearier bastard to lead the country. Rudd’s good, I’ll give him that much. The stories of him punching out Swann, drinking at stripclubs, shooting at hookers and slapping the staff on his private jet are great for Australia’s image. But I figure if I actually kill Turnbull with my bare hands then other countries will really sit up and take notice. We’ll have boat people actually trying to escape this country instead.”
The fight has been scheduled for next Thursday, and will be available as pay per view on Foxtel.
Comments are closed.