Lockheed Martin, the largest defense contractor in the world, announced today that they had formally completed the purchase of the Garnier Laboratory from The L’Oréal Group, the world’s largest cosmetics and beauty company.
At a packed press conference, Lockheed Martin’s new head of Global Annihilation and Cellular Rejuvenation Technology, Anton Le’Thunderstrike Snr. III, told reporters from the worlds major media outlets and fashion magazines that the merger of Lockheed Martins Missile Research Department and the Garnier Laboratory “..heralded a new dawn in Global Defense Initiatives and Anti-Aging Formulation.”
Already in development and expected to be ready for deployment within 3 months was the SkyBurst Conditioner. A jointly developed missile attack system, it will use a highly modified 2-stage Patriot missile to first soften and shine enemy buildings and populations to make them easier to manage and more visible from the air before the second stage detonates which vaporizes every atom in a 5 kilometer radius using new nanotechnology gel beads, originally created by Garnier to combat fine lines and crows feet.
Vogue magazine is reported to be pleased with the merger of the two fields of research, claiming “..finally, no more scenes of naked locals with skin and limbs falling off disgustingly after every bombing raid shown on the 6 o’clock news. With their dark skin tones and naturally thin malnourished bodies, even the enemy children will look fantastic..until they are reduced to a smoldering slagheap. Expect to see some great new looks on the runways this fall when the major fashion houses hear about this!”
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