In breaking news, Channel Nine ‘identity’ and delusional fallguy, Sam Newman, famous for his inane ramblings and confused appearance on The Footy Show, was interviewed by police today over an alleged roadrage incident that took place in the early hours of Friday.
Police released a statement that “Yes, some very old guy was questioned over something involving someone else about a possible incident involving something that may or may not have been a car, or some other means of wheeled vehicular transportation, including but not limited to buses, trucks, airplanes and dirigibles with the landing gear lowered. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you anything further at this point. We will release a statement with additional vague references to occurrences that may or may not have occurred, although that has not been confirmed at this point.”
In a desperate bid to be the first with this breaking news, online newspapers such as The Age and The HeraldSun eagerly stopped the press and published their articles on their websites. The Age’s post contained a total of 298 words, of which only 120 words were related to the alleged incident itself, using the remaining 178 words to recap on a past, unrelated incident and general information about the cost of Sam Newman’s penis to the Channel Nine Network.
In a related story, Reuters were the first to break the news that The Internet had committed suicide moments after The Age published their Sam Newman article online. The Internet has been long known to be suffering depression over the mistreatment of it’s potential for disseminating important information to a worldwide audience. It was unmarried and had no children.
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